The Blackness Before Me

I’m a pill-popping, mother-effing princess!

Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash

I’m a pill-popping, mother-effing princess!

What? I think it’s funny. It is what it is. Look. My “candy” makes me normal. I can actually feel something when I have it. Unless—maybe the feel of something is just the feel of nothing, but either way. I’m more talkative, less nervous, just…open. It’s like I can think, communicate, do life shit, all of the things.

You know what I like best, though?

It’s the warmth.

I don’t know how else to describe it. When it kicks in, I feel all warm inside my body, and that gush of warmth makes me feel so calm, so happy. It’s euphoric!

It’s the feeling of normalcy with a dash of pepper. Just a little kick. Just a little spicy-spice.

Anyway. I don’t see what’s so wrong about wanting to feel normal, feel good, feel like a person should. It’s more than being more sociable. It’s like I’m actually present. Without it, I’m just such a mess. I can’t hold a normal conversation without my mind wandering off or my eyes looking everywhere except where they should be looking. And then I have the whole inner dialogue about it! Look at them in the eyes, look at them in the eyes, don’t look there, straight ahead. Stare them in the eyes. Stare…no, don’t stare. Be casual. Should I say something here? Maybe just a…mmm-hmmm or something? Yeah. Mmm-hmmm. How do I get out of this?

Also. Not to beat a dead horse, but I’m not overdoing it. Not like addicts do. I’m not that. I’m not even high or anything. I’m just normal. I’m not incapacitated. I work. I do life things. If anything, I do even more. Otherwise, I’d just be in bed most of the time sleeping away bouts of depression. And, and, I have a prescription. It’s just a prescription. No foul play here. I legit have had migraines—like death—all my life. This works the best. And I get headaches a lot. So. There’s that.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t feel like I have to defend it. I’m not doing anything wrong. But when people like you make insinuations, no—accusations, that I’m doing something dark and nefarious, well. There is no darkness before me. I see everything in technicolor, baby! I can’t help it that I’m inflict-afflicted with debilitating headaches. And, yeah, the pills help dull the pain. And there just happens to be other benefits! The warmth, the lack of social awkwardness, all that. So what? I’m not some black market drug-dealing little whatever. I’m just doing what’s healthy for my body. Sue me.

So, what I’d really like to know is what on earth gives you the gall to even call me out on whatever fallacy this is, it’s ridiculous; it just shows that you really don’t know me. I mean, how dare you? Oh. People are going to talk about me? What? I don’t give a shit. People? What people? You? Not everyone is like you. You know what I think? I think you must be projecting. I’m not saying what, but there is clearly something else going on here. I know I’ve done nothing wrong. You know I’ve done nothing wrong, so what is this? Huh?

Ugh. I’m getting so worked up. I’m sorry, I just feel attacked. Like, damn. You know? Like, what the hell!

I just can’t deal with this right now. I don’t feel well—my whole head is about to explode. Maybe after I lie down for a bit, we can talk about this, but please. I’m just tired and trying to do what I have to do to get by.

Yeah. That’s all I’ve got. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.