He Left Me
I deserve nothing.
He told me he’d love me forever.
He pictured a future with me. Fantasized about having a baby together.
But he lied. He’s such a liar. Pathological.
I can’t believe I gave my heart to him. I threw everything away to be near him as much as I could. I betrayed my marriage. Took time away from my child. Oh, God. I’m such a fool. Such a no-good, brain-damaged fool. I’m deserving of nothing. No. I deserve this. I do. I was the idiot who believed him. Believed in him. In us.
What in the world was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. I was in love. He was everything I needed—he gave me affection, laughter, light. I’d forgotten what it was like to laugh like that. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be touched like that. To be adored and doted on.
But none of it was real.
The reality was I sacrificed everything to live a lie. And what did it get me in return? A nervous breakdown and well-deserved guilty conscience.
He pursued me with such force. I resisted his advances, but he just kept coming, coming, coming at me until I gave in. He was charming. Funny. Different. My marriage is not in good shape. We’ve been so unhappy. We haven’t had sex in years. Something hasn’t been right since the beginning. I don’t know why. I don’t know what it is. The control. I haven’t been able to take the emotionally abusive control and when he came along….
Is it wrong that I’m using my vulnerability as an excuse?
Yeah. It’s wrong.
Why am I such a piece of shit? Why am I so undeserving?
He told me he was separated.
He told me I was the only one.
And then he got sick. Cancer, he said. What kind of sick fuck lies about cancer? Why did he lie about being separated when I was truthful about my marriage? Why did he lie about me being the only one? Why did he disappear when I lost my job? When everything started to really fall apart. Why did he leave me all alone to pick up the pieces?
I was so blind!
What I’ve done is unforgivable. I want to roll up in a little ball and die. Right here on this floor. I’m losing my mind. I have no fight. I have no dignity. I have no purpose. I have nothing.
I was so wrong.
I’m so ashamed.
And I’m too numb to do anything. I give up. I really, really do.
I’m an awful human being.
I…can’t.
Nothing is unforgivable. If no one died, no babies born it’s all fixable. Also, human. Also, faking cancer is not as rare as one would like to think. The cancer fakers I have known have been mostly junkies, secret junkies. It’s a great illness to explain time away, looking terrible, looking for sympathy. Thanks for sharing this.❤️🩹
Sounds like a narcissist to me. They charm you, trap you and leave like this and take a lot with them. Not everything, though. You’re still there even when it doesn’t feel like it.